My Thoughts While Dating Men on Tinder
Like any other single person looking for love in 2017, I decided to download Tinder.
I was 21 at the time and had never been on a date with anyone, which I was more than ready to change. I didn’t know the full extent of my gayness at the time, and figured that since I always liked fictional men, I should at least give real men a chance. Who knew, maybe I would find my Jack from Titanic, my Westley from The Princess Bride, or my Edward Cullen from Twilight..
Most of the men I met were amazing people, but I couldn’t feel more for them than platonic friendship, despite my vigorous attempt to experience feelings of attraction.
Without further ado, here is the decent, the bad, and the cringe of my experience dating straight men:
- Why is he so touchy? It’s making me uncomfortable.
- I can’t stop peeing I’m so anxious.
- He wants another hug?
- I wish he’d stop staring at me, it’s distracting me from making a hole-in-one.
- Please no more hugging; his glasses get stuck in my hair every time.
- Oh God… he’s leaning in to kiss me goodbye? I told him I didn’t want to kiss! Evade! Evade! *swerves and pats his shoulder* “see you later, bud”
*walks away and never sees him again*
- Hey, he’s pretty cute.
- He has a good sense of style. I kind of want to dress like that. Maybe I should ask him for pointers?
- Why did he go out of his way to tell me he’s 6'0" when I didn’t even ask or care? He’s the same height as me, and I’m 5'5" at most.
- Why is he avoiding eye contact? Oh no, I probably look terrible. I knew I should have worn more than a t-shirt and sweat pants..
- Oh okay, he said it was his first date and he’s nervous. Phew. That’s kind of cute.
- Hey, we actually get along really well and have great conversations. I could talk to this guy for hours!
- Awe he got me a present, he is literally the cutest human being. I’m sure we will make great friends.
- Damn he’s tall. I wonder what I look like from that angle. I hope I don’t have dandruff.
- Awe he held my hands to warm them up. I think I have poor blood circulation or something because they’re always turning blue.
- It’s probably not the smartest to be walking through a park in the pitch dark with a guy I met only an hour ago.
- Wow, he really just picked me up.. I can’t say I was expecting that. I kind of like it though; it makes me feel small.
- He’s asking to kiss me? Consent, I like that. Why not? At least he can’t see my facial expressions right now in this lack of light.
- Oh, this is wet. Very wet. I do not like this.
- Do I open my lips at the same time as him, or the opposite time? One, two.. One, two.. One, two..
- Nope, I’m definitely doing this wrong. All those liars who told me kissing would come “naturally” in the moment can shove it right about now.
- I’m probably just overthinking it.
- Maybe if I keep my eyes open he will sense it and we can stop.
- Wow, even my chin is wet.. and my nose? Is that supposed to happen?
- Well.. that was an experience. I should go use the restroom so I can text my friend that I just had my first kiss. Plus I really need to anxiety pee.
- He wants to kiss again?
- Fine, just a quick peck though.
Date 3 x2
- This date is far more awkward than our first one. Everything is so quiet in his house. *insert a nervous laugh and a cheesy joke*
- I don’t like that he’s watching me play this game.. couldn’t he have picked something with two player? I can’t even figure out the controls. Bloody X-Box.. I only play Nintendo!
- He wants to cuddle. Okay. I can do that. This feels okay. Tolerable.
- God my stomach hurts.
- I really need to stretch my back.. Why do I already have the spine of an 80-year-old? Let me just pull away from him for a second so I can stretch.
- Oh? He’s moving away from me now? Maybe I offended him by pulling away? I just needed to stretch..
- What did I do wrong? It’s like he’s ignoring me now. Weird.
- It doesn’t seem like he wants to walk me to the bus stop at all. Sorry, man, but you’re coming. It’s freezing cold, dark out, and I have no idea where I’m getting picked up.
- Oh nice, he deleted me off everything.
- No greeting hug? That’s new, but I’m not complaining.
- We both have no idea what we’re doing. I love that. Let’s be awkward dorks together.
- Ugh, my hair got all poofy from the humidity. Let me just sneak off to the bathroom and soak my head..
- Yes! Mario Kart! something I actually know how to play.
- I kicked his butt, but he kicked my butt at Smash Bros, so we balance each other out nicely.
- We laugh a lot together and get along easily. I’m sure he will make a great friend, too.
- Why are guys so tall?
- It’s pretty strange to invite yourself over to someone else’s house but whatever, what can possibly go wrong?
- He’s wiping pizza sauce off his hands.. and onto my bed.
- He wants to spend the night now too? Fine. But he’s sleeping on the couch.
- Why did he think it was a good idea to bake cookies at 5 am when no one else was awake?
- Oh lovely, and he dumped Xylitol all over the floor. That will be fun to clean up.
- He’s making himself a little too much at home.
- Okay you can go now.
Date 5 x2
- I love that we are wearing themed onesie pyjamas at the mall right now.
- He wants to spend the night again? How does he always manage to miss his bus? It’s starting to get a little sus..
- I was not expecting that forehead kiss but it could’ve been worse (that is, on the lips).
- He’s still here? He promised to be gone by the time I woke up.. I’ll go hide in my room.
- *A few hours later* Yep, he’s still here. Just checking.
- Oh God, he’s cooking again. Let’s see the damage.. yep, beans all over the wall. How does that even happen?
- It’s been 32 hours.. why is he still here?!
- I’m going to have an anxiety attack.
- I’m having an anxiety attack.
- This dude has the audacity to drag me out in the middle of a snow storm and arrive an hour late.
- Is he really going to make me watch a 20-minute video of him playing Call of Duty?
- He’s pretty open about the fact that he wants to be a police officer just so he can have power and wield a gun. Yikes..
- We are not compatible at all. Using the famous words of Arnold from The Magic School Bus, “I knew I should have stayed home today.”